dating, gay and over 35

So, I just finished my first year of grad school  and it was insanely crazy and fun. I also moved out of my old apartment that I had been sharing with my then boyfriend of 10 years.( we broke up and lived together for 1 year... new york style) So, for the first time in 10 years I'm living alone and single and shit...I'm 39 years old. My first 5 months of living here I came home every night and drank 4 to 5 cheap beers a night and watched Family Guy to totally numb myself out. Then first semester over in Dec. I found myself with nothing to keep me busy, had a meltdown flew to Seattle to visit my family and finally got my shit together and decided to try and date again. Um...forgot how fucking weird, awkward, disappointing and expensive that can be. oh yeah, the last time I did this I was 28 fuck...So, also tried the whole 'hookup' thing um..that is fun but also exhausting I don't know how dudes can keep that up. I did meet someone about 6 months ago who I had an instant attraction too, it wasn't just physical it was on many levels but of course he is in a relationship so whatever...about three months ago I find out that he is in an open relationship so...shit, I slept with him. If you have ever tried having sex with someone you are really attracted to but know it will never grow into something it can be the ultimate in crashes. You would think I would have said ok, can't do that again but nooooo I continue to this day having crazy, mindblowing sex with this guy and now we are working on an art project together. what-the-fuck? why am I doing this? fantasy that he will want to be with me instead. oh yeah, he is also 14 years younger than me. So even better! I have become the cliche older gay man fuckin' around with a younger guy. Shit...what happened to me? I thought by this age I would be wealthy and married looking into buying a summer home and raising kids and dogs and shit. I think all this has started to mess with my libido too, I'm all outta whack I go up and down like a roller coaster ...literally. so...supposed to go out tomorrow with someone date? hookup? um...